


Isn't It Messed Up? (How I'm Just Dying To Be Him)

by thecoloursinthegravel



Series: Everything I Didn't Say [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Letters, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 11:17:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11645466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecoloursinthegravel/pseuds/thecoloursinthegravel
Summary: Calum’s about to be a father. Ashton writes him a letter.Part 2 of I Heard A Song Once (About Falling In Love With Your Best Friend).





	Isn't It Messed Up? (How I'm Just Dying To Be Him)

I’m so happy to hear I’m going to be an uncle. Well, an honorary uncle.

What wonderful news.

You and Michael will make great parents.

I’m really glad you’re finally getting to adopt, you deserve it.

I’m sorry I don’t call as much as I used to.

I know I promised I would. I mean, it’s not like I can just come over anymore!

I do miss living so close to you. But I get why you had to move.

Michael’s your husband and work takes him where it takes him.

I know you had to go.

I miss seeing you in person, though. I bet you’re absolutely glowing.

I’m sorry I can’t make it to the baby shower.

I’ve got work.

That’s a lie. I know you know it’s a lie.

I don’t suppose it matters much, does it? That you see right through me?

No excuse I give you will be right.

What sort of person doesn’t come to their best friend’s baby shower?

I really am sorry.

I bought lots of presents, though. I’ll have them shipped over to you. You’ll love them, I’m sure.

I don’t want to spoil anything, but do you remember the giant stuffed duck toy we shared when we were tiny? One week at your house, one week at mine?

Well, turns out you can still buy them.

I hope you like it.

I think you will.

I got even more stuff though. Clothes, and things like that.

I know I shouldn’t say this, but when I was shopping for presents, I started imagining it was for our baby.

I know. Pathetic, isn’t it? After all this time.

Still, it did mean I went a bit overboard. So your little baby is never going to go without as long as I have anything to do with it!

Honestly, Cal, anything you need, anytime, you can have it.

I feel a bit awful saying that.

I know the one thing you need is for me to turn up on Friday and be there like a good friend would.

I know. I know. I’m sorry.

I’m just so weak.

I don’t think I could handle it.

It would be too much, Calum.

I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

I’ll make it up to you, I will.

It’s like the wedding all over again, isn’t it?

At least I went to that.

But I can still see you standing up there next to Michael.

I’d never seen that look on your face before. You were practically leaking love.

How disgusting is it that it made me feel sad?

Even to this day. The image of you two, at the beginning of the rest of your lives together, makes me feel sick with sadness.

What a pathetic mess.

God, I’m so sorry. I’ve just been rambling on, wallowing in self-pity. Sorry, Calum, I’m sorry.

I can’t ever say that enough.

I promise I’ll start to call more.

I promise I’ll stop letting your calls go to voicemail.

I promise I’ll start picking up when you ring for the fourth time on a Sunday evening.

I promise I’ll stop laying in bed for three days straight just staring at the ceiling.

I know you’d tell me off for it, if you knew.

So I promise I’ll stop.

Congratulations again, Calum.

You are a wonderful man and you will be a wonderful father.

I am so glad you are moving forward with your life.

I’m sorry I’ve been so awful recently, it’s just that I wish I could say the same about myself.

I am so stuck.

And Calum, I think it’s you I’m stuck on.

I can’t get you out of my head, no matter what I do.

I think I’m going crazy.

So please, please know that I wish you all the best in the world. And know that if I could stomach it for one second, I would be there with you to celebrate your joy.

I just think, honestly, that if I see you in person again, I’m not going to be able to stop myself.

I’ll tell you Calum. I’ll tell you everything. I will tell you I love you and once I start I don’t think I’ll ever stop.

So I can’t come. I can’t.

I’m not doing that to you, not ever.

That’s why I’m going to burn this letter. That’s why I won’t come this Friday. That’s why I think it’s best I don’t visit this Christmas.

I want, more than anything, to see you.

But if I look in your eyes one more time, I think I may burst. Everything’s going to come pouring out.

I won’t do that to you. You are too happy to be brought down like that.

I will call more, Calum. I will.

But I promise you, I won’t say a word.

 

With all my love,

Ashton

 

 

 

         

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Sugar We're Goin Down by Fall Out Boy


End file.
